Category: Words

Few more people have posted photos up from the Oxenhope ride at the weekend you can find them here, here and here. There’s even some of me drinking beer. Lots of people are using Yahoo’s Flickr technology at the moment to share photos. I found these photos of explosions the other day athe thought that they were fairly inspiring – check ’em out.

I get the distinct impression that this isn’t true:

From: Mike
Subject: Speeding

A little story! While I was driving down the A40 the other day, (going a little faster than
I should have been) and as I passed under a bridge I saw a copper on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait. The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic
patronizing smirk asked:

“Runway too short??

To which I replied, “I’m late for work.”

To which he asked, “What do you do?”

I responded, “I’m a rectum stretcher”

The copper was surprised and confused. “A rectum stretcher?? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?”

“Well,” I said, “I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it’s about 6 feet.”

Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, “And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?”

To which I politely replied, “You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge …”

Speeding ticket: £105.00

Penalty Points : 3

Court costs: £45

Look on copper’s face: Priceless.

Time off is great. 5am start on Friday and a four hour drive down to Powys, just north of the Brecon Beacons. Dan Barham and Mike Davis were doing a route guide for one of the big name mountain bike mags that will be appearing soon and I was making up the numbers. It was ace. There is something very special about riding in Wales and it is all of the grassy bridleways and fantastic views. I think we saw at least three Kites and we had probably the best weather of the year so far. That said it was a 48km route and at the end we were all happy to call it a day. There’s a lot of vertical and the wind can be a real killer. Photos are up here.

So it was a big old drive back up to the North and after a brief overnighter, it was time to get a whole load of kit together for another few days of riding and it was off up to Oxenhope for a weekend of riding with friends in the beautiful scenery of South Yorkshire. It was great and the fact that there was some hidden beer up on the moors was an added bonus. The speed drinking of Stella chilled to -5 and then racing immediately afterwards wasn’t necessarily a test of riding skill but rather the ability to withstand the urge to vomit over a prolonged period. Weekend shots are on this page.

Bit’o’news from Mountain Bike Action: In a continued effort to showcase their Contessa Sportswoman line of bikes, Scott USA has announced an expansion of their sisterhood. Australian sports model and graphics designer Niki Gudex has been added to Scott’s lineup of talented female mountain bikers. Already in the Scott camp is the Ford Cycling Team, which includes do-good Norba racers Kelli Emmett, Sara Bresnick-Zocchi, Kathy Sherwin and Melanie Meyers.

Mental note: Read emails properly. At some point before Christmas I had an email from Shaun at aegishosting to tell me that the name server settings for my websites were changing and that I needed to update my settings with 34SP who look after my domains. The thing is that i did get this email and read it (a bit) but the fact that I needed to do something didn’t really sink in until the old DNS settings were switched off at which point all of my websites went off line.

These settings take up to three days to propagate around t’internet under normal circumstances and so things have been off line for a bit which is a bit embarrassing. Thing is it gets better. About this time last year I decided that Shaun was doing such a cracking deal at aegishosting that I’d which this site from being hosted by 34SP over to Aegis and shortly afterwards the new look site appeared.

When I did this I had a bit of a problem in that I had originally organised the purchasing of the domain using an email account I no longer have access to. I then had to convince 34SP I was who I said I was before they’d merge my accounts and let me log in. Proof of id had to be sent off to them and it all was sorted out. Fast forward back to this week and it turns out that when I log-in I can see ifrider.com and manantes.net, but this site isn’t in the domain controller bit of the intranet. So I fire off an email to the support team.

Turns out that the domain ‘expired’ according to their records in March 2005 and it’s been running on borrowed time ever since then. I really don’t remember getting an email telling me that was about to happen… So I had the added fun of having to get that little mess sorted out too and now everything is back up and running. Woo and yay as the ‘midge would say.

What else is new? Well I’m redeveloping the IF Owners’ Club site. It’s been going for almost two years now and is due a face lift. I’m just trialing some new web apps and some of them may find there was into here. You can get some quite good blogging software these days and a recent trial of WordPress at work has been really interesting. I’m not thinking of a new mobile or camera, but thought these were both interesting. Why any one would want such a horrible phone is beyond me and this 39 megapixel camera is a cool $33,000 for the basic model. That’s more than a Beemer. Any guesses on how much the price of 39MP cameras will have have dropped in 10 years?

Rode the Makin ‘on-call’ route on Sunday for the first time in ages. this is the river run on the Trans-Pennine trail that starts for me at Sale water park and heads east towards Stockport and then on towards the Peaks. It looks like the council have been out and about building up the flood defences along the Mersey. Lots of the good bits have been lost and they’d even closed the steps by the school playing fields. Swines. Thing is it could have been like that for ages and I wouldn’t know as it’s been ages since I’ve done the local route.

The new bits found as shortcuts onto the old bits were a bit rubbish, but I did manage to link up the river run with the Fallowfield Loop Line route by heading up the hill from the Jodhpur Cafe and cutting through Reddish. It was an interesting change from riding up gert big hills, but the singlespeed managed to get just as muddy. Steve says it’s been like that for about three months now. The single track wooded section that used to be after the underpass and before the sports centre has been really badly destroyed and they’re built a wide cinder path. The singletrack is looking very neglected.

It’s not much but it’s offroad and at least it gets a bit hilly after Reddish Vale. As has been said there’s no cars – just dog shit and runners to dodge. Oh and herons to look at. There wasn’t much in the way of wildlife yesterday, but I did see:

As part of the work the council are doing here they’d built an earth bank on the path that was a fairly effective ramp. Just after riding it there was a little kid on a little quad bike, who rounded the corner saw it and said “whoa” rev’d the engine and took a big run up, at which point his mum, dad and sister come around the corner just in time to see him heading at speed towards the ramp and dad goes “oh no…” just as junior hits the ramp and gets all of about 3″ of air 🙂

Then just about here I could hear the sound of an engine as I rode along the river and a few seconds later a couple in their 40s on one of those really little motorbikes came around the bend.

See it’s not all just dodging turds.

Last update for the year and there has been a cracking day of riding yesterday around the beautiful winter landscape of Calderdale. It ranged from beautiful golden sunshine through to falling snow and was as cold as it looked and the Singlespeed ruled. Photos are up here.

Here are a few things that have come to light over the last few days. First up the notion of racing a train between stops takes on a different note if you factor in that it’s underground and you have to get to the surface before you can get to your bike and get on it, race downhill to get to the next station and then get back down to the platform and on to the train. Oh and there’s only 55 seconds to do it. Check this out.

The Chronic of Narnia rap was one of the funniest things I’ve seen out of America for a long time – well that said I watched team America last night which was hilarious so there is hope for the George Bush led country yet. As has been said, after that sketch how can anyone take gangsta rap seriously?

Just cleaned the Deluxe for the first time. Several weeks of commuting made up a bit of filth, but an truly fantastic Tuesday night ride in Calderdale really meant that a full clean up was in order. This may have been very appropriate timing as I’ve just realised I never put any sort of chainstay protector on and I’ve been lucky not to have scratched and chipped the frame to bits.

A classic nightride taking in legendary trails like Stanny’s Drop and Gibson Mill Up and Downer also seems to have proved a few things. The Stadiums are passed their best. It’s time for some battery recovery techniques and I’ve just ordered some of these bad boys as a replacement setup. Not quite the ‘jesus, that’s bright’ power but plenty (twice the burn time) of fantastic white light and a whole host of recommendations from people riding them. Less is more and that’s certainly true of the weight – I’m looking at a 2lb weight saving. New lights mean that the CX Worlds trip is off which is a bit of a bugger, I was hoping to catch up with Nige.

The recent ride has also shown that it’s not quite bike enough for the Calderdale trails in it’s current guise. A quick release seatpost clamp and some more appropriate tyres are in order. That means either some Big Earl’s or Blue Groove and Nevegal combo are likely in the near future too. Need to have a bit of a play with the forks too. They’re too quick on compression at the moment and need a bit for air in the spring to give them a bit more range. Other than that it’s a sweet ride.

Here’s a couple of top links. MBUK was the first mountain bike magazine I ever bought and I’ve still got that 1991 Christmas Special. These days a lot of people only buy MBUK for the legendary Jo Burt cartoon Mint Sauce. When I did a massive clear out a few years ago, I cut out all the old mint sauce cartoons, but now it seems that there was no need as Jo has teamed up to launch a dedicated website: this is why. So now you can read all the cartoons and consider the sanity of a cartoon based around animals riding mountain bikes. The artwork is as beautiful as always.

Not everyone’s taste so here are links to the photos of two friends from the local area whose photos have an international audience. Dan Barham has the contents picture in the latest edition of Dirt Rag and his shots have really been developing over the last few months. As an alternative here’s a link to Steve Makin’s Flickr photos. Steve’s black and white shots really are timeless and I think he’s a great eye for good composition and contrast. Steve’s shots have featured in many mountain bike publications including Singletrack.

Finally, we all know that Christmas can be a stressful time and that silly arguments are likely. It may be worth noting however that falling out over telephones may invariably lead to trouble.

So after successfully building and maintaining the IF online shop, the Boston team approached me with another little project for them. Well I’m not sure that partially redesigning the homepage of their site can be described as a little job, but I had a bit of fun doing the work and the results seem to have been quite popular so far. Here’s the new look. The old version is lurking here.

UCI Cyclocross World Championships are just across the water in Holland. After the fantastic results from the IF team at the recent US Nationals, Mo Bruno-Roy will be bringing her Ti Planet Cross over for some racing action on 28-29 January in Zeddam, Netherlands. It’s about 90 miles from Rotterdam and I reckon that’s ridable…

This commuting business is a dangerous thing when you start thinking about the people driving cars. I remember seeing a guy write off a brand new 5 series BMW getting the back out under lift-off, losing it, spinning and hitting the underpass of the A11 at the Thickthorn roundabout a few years ago when I was riding in to work in Norwich and all I can say is it was only the side airbags that let him get out and walk away from that one. This one is however much scarier.

From: Jed
Subject: Crunch

Witnessed an interesting bit of driving the other night. Going home down Newmarket Rd I was near the kitchen place/Spread Eagle pub when an oncoming car 70 yds ahead moved into my lane. I thought he may have been doing some dodgy move (like ignoring keep left bollard) to turn into the school. But no, he drove straight into the streetlamp that was by then just 50 yards in front. Hit it square on and knocked the light out. First on the scene and there was a very confused/dazed looking lad in the driving seat. Don’t know why he did it – either blacked out or fell asleep – but he’d only driven in from Wym and he was stone cold sober. A bit close for comfort that – you expect an oncoming car to avoid you but if the driver is not there then the potential is for us to depart.

That’s a fairly scary account. Keep lookin’ out for those crazy drivers.

So Peru has stirred some interest and it turns out there is a way to get some riding in South America and benfit some others. The 2006 Peru cycling challenge takes riders from Lake Titicaca, the highest navigable lake in the world, across remote altiplano, through amazing Andean villages, and past incredible snow-capped mountains, to Machu Picchu – the fabled ‘Lost City of the Incas. Check out the ride website. It looks really good with a great Itinerary, awesome countryside and a bit of money raising for charity.

Not happy with just improving the shop interface, teh team at The Cycle Jersey have started the process of adding some new and interesting, hard to get products from the world of cycling and beyond, including NATO specced adventure racing kit boxes…

Love America or not this is ace.

Finally it looks like the ProTour is about to end. According to cyclingnews.com the organisers of the Tour de France, Giro d’Italia and Vuelta a España have pulled out of the series with immediate effect. The organisers announced that they are also withdrawing the eight other races organised by them, namely Paris Nice, Tirreno-Adriatico, Milan-San Remo, Paris-Roubaix, Flèche Wallonne, Liège-Bastogne-Liège, Paris-Tours and the Tour of Lombardy. More here.

“The 10 km descent took us two hours and was a big mix of smooth dirt singletrack, wide grassy runways hemmed in by ancient stone walls, rocky technical sections with water ditches and stone staircases”. Sounds like a real hardship doesn’t it? Check out Grady Semmens’ account of riding over 170 km in Peru and taking in more than 9,000 metres of (mostly) downhill riding in six days over at nsmb.com.

Take one made Polish mountain biker, give him a mad mission like riding across three deserts and having to be entirely self sufficient and give him a camera and a load of other survival gear and leave him to get on with it. Oh, and don’t forget the Surly Pugsley.

If you’ve got to go, you gotta go big. So said Bender. Well he’s been living up to that motto ever since, but has now unfortunately had a nasty off as sensationalised over at MBUK. What really happened is described in more journalistic etyle here.

From: Katie
Subject: Chain letter from Billy Connolly

Hello, my name is William and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50 billion f**king chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, a poor six year old girl in Queensland with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a traveling freak show. And, do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone to whom you send “his” email, $1000?

How stupid are we?

Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I’ll get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day!” What a bunch of bulls**t.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by St Peter in 5AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrim stowaways on the Endeavour.

F*ck ’em.

If you’re going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I’ve seen all the “send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being” forwards about 90 times.

I don’t f*cking care.

Show a little intelligence and think about what you’re actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it’s our own unpopularity. The point being? If you get some chain letter that’s threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it’s funny, send it on.

Don’t piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the arse of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he’ll receive if you forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know, or otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

Have a nice day.

PS: Send me 15 bucks and Then F*ck Off

Finally after seeing these photos from Lucy and Phil at Bike Verbier I have decided that this snow biking mullarky really does have to be done…

So the latest fad isn’t almost getting killed when you’re commuting it’s actually breaking your commuter through sheer brute force. Hence this public service broadcast:

The gauntlet has also been thrown down for the new Twentyfour12 Endurance Event. The completely new, purpose built venue of Lodgewood Park, Ellesmere in Shropshire, is a totally private estate and has a fully serviced campsite complete with water and of course, enough toilets and showers for all. The Twentyfour12 will take place here on the 22 nd and 23 rd of July 2006, with both 24hr and 12hr races being run concurrently, both races starting at midday on Saturday. Singlespeed. Solo. 12 hours.

A local 12 year winning streak at La Ruta de los Conquistadores was finally snapped last weekend when Thomas Frischknecht became the first foreign rider to win the three-day event. The Marathon World Champion bounced back from a disastrous second stage (three flats on the final descent caused him to lose 15 minutes) to Costa Rican Marvin Campos. On the final day the 126km stage featured 1785m climbing. With nearly 7400 metres of climbing in their legs from the previous two stages, Frischknecht worked with Jeremiah Bishop) and defending champion Paolo Montoya toisolate Campos from his team and then ride far enough away from him to take the win.

This Wade Simmons video is worth a look. I think the zip line camera shot as it follows a run from the tree canopy is stunning.