I Wanna to Ride Now!

I’m back. I feel more into bikes that I have for a long time and I think that’s partly because I’ve had a bit of time to actually read about bike related stuff and catch up with what’s been happening. I finally managed to read Lance Armstrong’s book ‘Every Second Counts’ whilst I was away. I suspect that I’m not the only person to have thought this latest bit of litetature was a good insight into The Boss and I’m sure few people will be surprised to observe that Lance has taken this publication to be another opportunity to proclaim his views on doping and reaffirm his innocence.

The thing that struck me most was that he not particularly subtly side stepped the whole issue of his break up and separation from his wife. I don’t know why he avoided it, maybe Lance felt it asn’t appropriate in a book largely about riding bikes and maybe that’s fair enough.

From: Katie
Subject: Beer Scooter

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night drinking and thought ‘How on earth did I get home?’ As hard as you try you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your house. The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter. The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman God of Wine. Bacchus has acquired a large batch of these magical devices. The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion:-

The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the “slurring gland” begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger’s in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second question after a night out, ‘How did I spend so much money?’

Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries), such as skinned knees and a sore spot on the top of your head. An undocumented feature of the Beer Scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers a third question after a night out ‘What the hell happened?’

With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing Moments In Time) add-on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person’s REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another’s and quite often lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time. Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the Scooter’s navigation system to malfunction thus sending passengers to the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences.

For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people’s garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins. The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some Scooters is the TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.

P.S. Don’t forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.

Yep. There were some moments over the last two weeks in which the beer Scooter could be identified as the transport home. I think on at least one occassion our beer scooter was driven by a guy called Elvis who had a DVD player built into his dashboard. Exciting stuff out in the Carribean. That and hot-rod minibuses anywhere on the island for 50p (Complete with roof top spoilers, go faster stripes and rally mudflaps).

On a similar note there’s this:

From: Jed
Subject: Loaded Bike

Check out the bike in this link

This probably isn’t particularly PC. If your insulted I’d love to hear it. Complaints will be dealt with by the complaints department:

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes

That’s not right – Sum Ting wong
Are you harbouring a fugitive? – Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP – Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man – Dum Fuk
Small Horse – Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? – Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into the coffee table – Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift – Chin Tu Fat
It’s very dark in here – Wao So Dim
I thought you were on a diet – Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away area – No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week – Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight – Lie Ying Lo
He’s cleaning his automobile – Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive – Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great – Fa Kin Su Pah

I think that about covers it for this update.

Author: Cris Bloomfield

Usually mountain biking in the North.

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