Winter Blues

Here are some fantastic photos to remind you that the days are getting longer again and it’ll soon be summer. Mountains, epic rides in the sun and dusty trails. Roll on the goodtimes. There’s a loads of photos in these two galleries from the Alps courtesy of Bikeverbier. For those looking for some different scenery and some US orientated shots, take a look at these photo galleries from Dave Wright.

Here’s a selection of my favourites from Verbier:

Many thanks to Polly Hall for posting up the link to those photos, she’s been out there in the past and last time met up with the rather stunning Swiss downhiller Sari Jorgenson. Mmm, more here.

One of the banes of internet usage is eventually someone somewhere adds you to a mailing list after which the floodgates of junk mail are released. Unfortunately I’m in a job where I need to check e-mails which say things like ‘strictly confidential’ or ‘please help’ before I delete them.

Now I know I’m not alone in this and in the past people like Big Jonny have replied to fraudsters looking to con the unsuspecting out of hard earned cash with satire-laden responses, often with amusing results.

I actually once reported an account to the email provider, but I hate being made to jump through hoops and reporting inevitably means filling out on-line complaint forms. Fuck that. I’m not going to be doing that any more.

So just this once, I thought it would be interesting to dialectize a ‘cry for assistance’ into a more entertaining format:


I’m bloody well Mr. Delboy Johnson, Bank Manager of the Lagos Branch of the Orient Bank of Nigeria, right. I ‘ave urgent and right confidential business proposition for yer.

On November 1998, right, my client and a national of yor country ‘oo were a consultant/contractor wiv the bloody Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation (NNPC), deposited for twelve calendar monffs, right, US$25,000,000.00 in me branch. Upon maturity, I sent a routine notification ter his forwardin’ address but got no reply, init?

After a monff, right, we sent a reminder and finally we discovered from ‘is contract employers, that me customer died from an automobile accident. On furffer investigation, right, I found out that ‘e did not leave a will and all attempts to trace ‘is next of kin were fruitless.

I therefore made furffer investigations and discovered that me late customer did not declare any next of kin in any of ‘is official documents, includin’ ‘is Bank Deposit paperwork. This sum of US$25,000,000.00 is still sittin’ in the Bank and the interest is bein’ rolled over wiv the principal sum at the end of each year. No bloke ‘as come forward ter claim it.

Accordin’ to the bloomin’ Nigerian Lor and in accordance wiv the bankin’ rule, at the expiration of 5 years, the brass will revert ter the ownership of the Nigerian Government if no bloke applies ter claim the funds. Consequently, i decided ter trace ‘is last name over the internet and i came across yor name. You have the same last name wiv me late client. That is why i have contacted yer ter be the next of kin ter my late client and assist me in securin’ the fund, so that the bleedin’ fruits of this ole man´s labor will not cop into the hands of some corrupt officials.

So this is simple, I will like yer ter provide me immediately wiv yor full names, address and dog and bone and fax numbers so that an attorney will prepare the necessary documents and affidavits, wich will put yer in place as the bloody next of kin. I’ll get out me spoons. We will employ the services of a well reputable attorney for draftin’ and notarization of the will and obtain the necessary documents and letter of probate/administration in yor favor the transfer.

A bank account in any part of the world, right, wich yer provide, will then facilitate the bloody transfer of this brass ter yer as the beneficiary/next of kin. The brass will be paid into yor account for us ter share in the ratio of 60% for me and 40% for yer. There is no risk at all as all the bloomin’ paperwork for this transaction will be done by the attorney and me position as the Branch Manager guarantees the successful execution of this transaction.

If yer are interested, right, please reply immediately via me private email address below. Upon yor response, right, I shall then provide yer wiv more details and relevant documents that will ‘elp yer understand evry fin’ and on ‘ow to realise this particular fund soonest. Please observe wiv utmost confidentiality, and rest assured that this transaction would be most profitable for boff of us because I shall require yor assistance ter invest my share in yor country. Awaitin’ yor urgent reply .

Mae West regards, Delboy.

Author: Cris Bloomfield

Usually mountain biking in the North.

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