New Rides

It’s summer and I’m still looking for new places to go and ride. The South and North Downs look quite appealing and this is a classy little site – check it out. The MTB-Freeride site is a sign of just how a shop can get involved with local riders to develop the sport, get some free promotion and advertising amongst a growing number of riders who are checking out things online. Full cred to the team at Offcamber cycles for getting such a good site up and running and dedicating the staff and resources to maintain it to such a high standard.

More nice photos can be found through this weeks recommended link – check out Endless Ride’s rather stunning alpine photo galleries. I really do want to go and experience more real mountain riding when I look at stuff like that. That said I think the Pyrenees will offer some rather amazing riding too so I have this urge to attempt Pyractif’s Pyrenees coast to coast ride. Maybe some time soon.

From: Katie A
Subject: Big Kids Nursery Rhymes

Mary had a little skirt with splits right up the sides
And every time that Mary walked the boys could see her thighs
Mary had another skirt twas split right up the front …
but she didn’t wear that one very often

Mary had a little lamb. Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her, between two chunks of bread.

Jack and Jill Went up the hill to have some hanky panky.
Silly Jill forgot her pill And now there’s little Franky.

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn’t the spider that crept beside her, But Little Boy Blue and his horn.

Old Mother Hubbard Went to the cupboard to fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over Rover took over and gave her a bone of his own.

Mary had a little lamb – It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it’s arse and turned it’s wool to nylon

Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman, What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon, Pies, you dickhead.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
Said “F*ck him, He’s only an egg.

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, cause he was gay.

Mary Mary quite contrary, Trim your minge – it’s far too hairy!

Pies, you dickhead‘. The Pieman obviously had a northern sense of humour. This was posted on the singletrackworld forum today and seemed quite appropriate given current fears over the spread of a contagious virus:

The World Health Organisation (WHO) has just issued an urgent warning about BARS (Beer Alcohol Requirement Syndrome). A newly identified problem has spread rapidly throughout the world. The disease, identified as BARS (Beer Alcohol Requirement Syndrome) affects people of many different ages. Believed to have started in Ireland in 1500 BC, the disease seems to affect people who congregate in Pubs and Taverns or who just congregate. It is not known how the disease is transmitted but approximately three billion people world-wide are affected, with thousands of new cases appearing every day.

Early symptoms of the disease include an uncontrollable urge at 5:00pm to consume a beer or alcoholic beverage. This urge is most keenly felt on Fridays. More advanced symptoms of the disease include talking loudly, singing off-key, aggression, heightened sexual attraction/confidence (even towards fuglies), uncalled for laughter, uncontrollable dancing and unprovoked arguing.

In the final stages of the disease, victims are often cross-eyed, and speak incoherently. Vomiting, loss of memory, loss of balance, loss of clothing and loss of virginity can also occur. Sometimes death ensues, usually accompanied by the victim shouting, “Hey Fred, bet you can’t do this!” or “Wanna see how fast it goes??”

If you develop any of these symptoms, it is important that you quarantine yourself in a pub with fellow victims until last call or all the symptoms have passed. Sadly, it is reported that the disease can reappear at very short notice or at the latest, on the following Friday.

Side effects for survivors include bruising, broken limbs, lost property, killer headaches and divorce.

Author: Cris Bloomfield

Usually mountain biking in the North.

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