All Formal

Yesterday was hot. Not as hot as last year, but still far too hot to be in a winter weight dinner suit and wearing a formal university gown and hood and stuck in a room that could be acurately described as a giant greenhouse. Commitments meant that Saturday was a good opportunity to get some practice in making speeches and drinking. Scotch, Sherry, White Wine, Red Wine, Port, Madeira, Lager, Real Ale, More Wine. Actually I’m quite glad I’m not riding. I’m not feeling too great for some reason today…

I’ve been to Nottingham many times. To be honest, given the last time I was there some one was shot just around the corner from where I was staying in the Meadows, I can believe this:

From: Mike
Subject: You gotta love this one

The Nottingham Forest manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football and is so impressed he arranges for him to visit England. Two weeks later Forest are 4-0 down to Chelsea in a cup match with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 minutes and wins the game for Forest.

The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football. “Mum! guess what!” he says. “I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won! Everybody loves me, the fans, the media: they all love me!”

“Wonderful”, says his mum, “Now let me tell you about my day. While you were having a great time, your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were robbed and beaten and your brother has joined an armed street gang.”

The young lad is distraught: “What can I say mum, I’m just so sorry.”

“And so you should be,” says his mum “It’s your fault we moved to Nottingham in the first place.”

Chilly knows the person implicated in this. Everyone else is about to know him when team “rothar giant-pygmy south african deadpineapple division” unleash their secret weapon at 24/12. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

From: GB
Subject: Duck and Cover

On Sat we went for a cycle, the usual, along the canal to the Swan with Two Necks and then through Dunham Massey Park and home. But this time……..

We decided to put KB on the back of TB’s bike (I think that was the first and last time!!!) and off we set, the path along the canal was quite busy with walkers and cyclists as it was a nice day. Anyway, TB was in the front and we are coming up behind an old lady and her little maltese poodle. We have slowed down, but TB has not taken his feet out of his cleets. The lady turns around and starts telling tye off because he should have a bell and she couldn’t hear him. TB goes off the path to slowly go around her (remember KB is on the back of TB’s bike!) The lady starts to move out the way, so TB starts to pedal back onto the path but then the lady steps onto the path again to get her dog!!! TB starts to fall, ever so slowly, cant get his feet out the pedal and what does he do?

Sticks his hand out for balance and pushes the old lady into the canal! And her dog was on the lead so the poor thing was dragged in too! SPLOSH! Both of them right under the water. Goodness me, it was terrible! Now KB is on the side on the floor, she was fine I just lifted the bike up and she was fine. But the old lady was saying My Back, My Legs, I’ve just got out of hospital, help, help, I can’t swim!

TB was trying to lift her out but it was quite difficult, luckily someone came to help. Anyway, the lady was fine, we gave her a warm top to put on and her hubby came to fetch her. The worry would be if she swallowed any of the water! The canal is not clean! All she could say to us was, why don’t we have a bell. And boy, are we going to get one! It was soooo terrible!

But afterwards, we couldn’t stop laughing, it must have been the shock. I could not stop giggling! So, needless to say, we will be staying away from that little cycle route for a while!

Ace. I’m sure they can sense him approaching.

Author: Cris Bloomfield

Usually mountain biking in the North.

2 thoughts on “All Formal”

  1. Absolute MAGIC!! You couldn’t make stuff like this up! I’m LOL with tears and everything!! Tye is such a nice guy too, I hope the old dear didn’t take too much offence… *snigger*


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